I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
