??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
