I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
