Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize