Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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