It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
