About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
