My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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