He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
