SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
