She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
