Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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