hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize