omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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