Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
