oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Randomize
