we have pet lesbian snakes
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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