I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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