They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
