she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
