Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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