I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
