My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
