I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
