Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize