well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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