My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
