I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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