shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
