need another drink. this is the easiest way
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
