I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
