Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
