i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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