please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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