Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
