Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
