The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
