Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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