Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
