Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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