I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
