Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
