that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
