Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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