last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize