Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
