hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize