what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
