the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
