My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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