I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
