she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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