my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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