My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize