I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
