Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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